morning afternoon all! How are YOU this fine Saturday? I’m happy to report that I’m feeling much better than I was yesterday. Work has gone by swiftly today, which is probably due to the fact that I’m trying to back up and transfer all the files from one hard drive to a new one. But if it makes work go by quickly? I’ll take it. The bf and I have also planned a cute date night tonight at Southbank. Dinner and a movie- nice old fashioned date night for us. And I can’t wait.
So…I don’t usually like to go down the road of down-ness, whiney-ness and all that jazz, but I do want to be completely honest with all of you..and this is what I’m currently going through (Yes, this is one of those posts that you get nervous about pressing publish on). Please don’t read on if this may be triggering to you.
Let’s get some things clear first- I have made amazing progress and so much of it is due to you guys, the blog, my family, my partner, my therapist and myself! But I still have those times where I’m not happy with me…and specifically my body (don’t we all but?). I know, I’m the girl who preaches about body trust, acceptance and types. I know this. But the truth is- yeh it’s a whole lot easier to say than do. And yeh, writing about it does make a difference to me (and hopefully to you) but it doesn’t eliminate the issue completely. It’s like many of the things I (we) struggle with, you know what’s rational and logical- but you still seem to see things and believe things through some sort of lens.
And the current lens on my body? I’m not happy with my body fat. I don’t want to lose weight, I want to lose the body fat and get more lean mass. I don’t want to bulk- I want to lose the body fat! I don’t want to go back to the past and be what I was.
Is this all still code for loosing weight? I don’t know to be honest because at the moment my thought processes are wacked out completely- Is this okay for me to be doing at the moment? Will I alter my diet or exercise (going with the latter option most likely)? Will this be a backwards step for me? Am I ready?
My boyfriend is worried. He doesn’t worry about many things, but when I say things like this or I don’t eat, he does. It doesn’t happen often so when it does I make sure I take a step back and try to observe and work through what it is I’m trying to do. So this is that, and this is me also asking for your help in all this. How can you help? Well to start, please answer every question written above in detail…ahhhhh or not, ha! But really, I’d love to get an ‘outside’ perspective on this.
Another example of my love for cute, little kittens.
My partner has said, how about when you’re happy with your body that’s when you can work on it so to speak- instead of trying to fix it because I’m not happy with it. Which is very logical, and very similar to what I wrote about earlier with body acceptance.
I know that I don’t want to alter my diet because going back to restricting or monitoring just won’t work for me, not at this stage. And I feel it could be a one way ticket to a ‘relapse’. I also exercise 1.5 to 3 hours a day (plus a rest day of course)- a combination of teaching classes and my own workouts. Now this is because I love it/have to teach (but still love!) and I don’t do it too lose weight. Trust me, if that was my goal it’d be silly to do this much because my body is now so efficient that it burns only a small percentage of what it could burn if I worked out less.
I think what I need to do is not focus on changing my body shape but focus on changing my body’s performance. I think doing more weights (yes I do a lot of cardio) and more resistance/strength training would be the best bet. But would that lose the layer of fat I have or just create muscles on top of it? I know this probably sounds so vain (not to mention stupid) and you’re probably disgusted with me at this point, but this blog is me and this is what I’m needing to express at the moment.
What I want to be saying/thinking: I accept and love my body and all that it is, and want to work on improving my strength by incorporating more strength, resistance and weight training into my routine.
The reality: I’m not happy with the size of the area from my upper thighs to just below my ribs, and I’m hoping that by incorporating more strength, resistance and weight training into my routine I’ll get the results I want.
What’s a girl to do?
Ps. Sorry for the novel.