The middle of the week is upon us- it’s all uphill from here: teaching a body step class tomorrow, friday brings the end of the working week (for many) and then it’s Saturday!
Today, I woke up not the happiest chap (but more talk on that shortly) and I had my usual savoury breakfast of late (flipped egg with turkey on wholegrain toast + vegie scramble). It filled me up through a fitbox and body balance class till I had my usual morning snack of pb, banana & chia slices on wholegrain toast. Since then I’ve been at work and have been quite busy since I arrived- which is a blessing in disguise. The time flies! (the saying must apply to non-fun situations also hah).
So back to my moodyness- shock horror. But I had, what I believe was legitimate reasons. This is something that is very sensitive for me to talk about as is it highly embarrassing and shameful (even though so many people also experience it, this is how I honestly feel- I feel I owe it to you to be honest with you). As you know I am dealing with some eating disorder issues- I am rid of the starvation and deprivation stage and my body has rebounded with a vengeance. It wants to eat everything, in huge quantities…all..the..time! While it certainly is fun (at times) and freeing- it has definitely had effect on my body.
For once though, it’s not about the weight (I feel thicker round the mid section but I’ve been assured there is nothing noticeable as of yet- but I’ve also decided to ditch the scales indefinitely). I know that any weight I get on during this stage is temporary and will be off once these eating frenzies cease. But it’s the weight in my head and the feeling of a 10kg weight inside my stomach that is the issue. It is mentally straining after overeating to deal with the fact that I’ve purposely done this to myself. I don’t feel guilty, I just feel out of control. I hate that the food is controlling me. I hate that I eat to the point that I am so uncomfortable the thought of eating or drinking anything is enough to push me over the limit. I even got to the point where the thought of the kinds of food I am overeating revolt me- however that is only momentary (as of yet).
Diets are all about deprivation, restriction and temptation.
This is apparently a stage of recovery. It’s not the stage where you are denying all those previous food rules (well maybe a bit but that’s not the primary motivator), but the stage where you finally let yourself have whatever you want when you feel like it. It’s literally like letting me loose in a candy shop (that also has pb). Of course you are going to over do it. Your body may also try to sabotage you, but only because it may still think you’re in that awful starvation mode and this is just another subsequent binge- so it crams in as much as it can before you begin forbidding it all over again (and so the cycle continues). And then eventually, it realises- oh god I can trust you again. You’ll give me what I want and need, and won’t deprive me of anything. And what it wants is balance and moderation.
It’s natural to overeat and even though I doubt I am over this stage at this point, my mentality has altered (which I am guessing is a sign of the change to come?). I hope to remember this mentality when I feel the need to over do it (food-wise) in the future. And what I’ve realised is: I and my body wants to eat a healthy balanced diet. It’s not fun to stuff yourself silly constantly with food that may taste good for that brief moment (and eventually stops tasting good- trust me. It can happen!). Overeating ruins the food, it ruins the moment, ruins energy levels, your comfort levels, your positive thinking attitude and dare I say it could ruin that envious figure of yours (BUT that SHOULD NOT be the reason you want to stop). For me, the reason I want to stop is because I don’t want the food to control me. I want to enjoy food and not want to cease it’s existence and need. I am a foodie but I don’t want to turn into one by force or obsession but by choice and enjoyment.
My journey has currently taken me from an over-control of food to an absence of control over food (with alot of ups and downs, and left and rights in between). I am currently fighting for that balance. I hope you will fight with me- for a healthy, moderated and balanced life in all aspects. If you’d like you can follow me or subscribe in a reader (links seen on the right sidebar on the homepage as you enter Crave) and we can journey together.
I think it’s also important to note that typical eaters will overeat from time to time. And they won’t have a second thought when they do. So if you occasionally slip up and eat too much birthday cake or have seconds, thirds and fourths at a family dinner- it’s okay, just get over it (tough love aye ;)) and move on to your normal healthy, balanced and moderated eating patterns 🙂
What is the one food you can’t control yourself around? (Is anyone else struggling to pin point just one food, haha!)